Sunday, June 21, 2009

Turnin Over a New Leaf

I should be really going to bed right about now.
But I wanted to update my blog so bad for some reason.

As of late I have been going through alot of ...... well ..........well alot of nothing, mix with a dab of Bullshyt.

it just makes me wanna cry, scream, throw shyt, break shyt, cuss everyone, neglect other goals, eat and sleep.


btw when i say nothing i don't mean "exactly nothing". I mean nothing in relation to "not doing the things that you set your self to do for yourself, whether it be short term or long term goals... "
I dont exactly know where this spell or mind frame came from. But i do know that it sort of just appeared around late 07', early 08' and preceded to get worst as 08 progressed... for the record 08 was one of the shittiest year i have experience so far in my dear life.

  • I left my school "Penn State University" ($$$$$) to transfer to a BS of a community college around my way...... it sucked ass....
  • picked up a full time job in the govt in a position that gives me no growth besides "work ethics"... & got treated like shyt, teased, harassed, drained and stressed the fuck out all while going to college (its "A LITTLE" better now)
  • was in a shitty ass relationship with a lazy indignant ass LEO of a boyfriend. UGH broke up with his ass.......... on my birthday (might i add)
  • lost a best friend for stupid reasons(friends for 15 years) smdh
  • gained between 30-45lbs. double UGH
  • had a fling with a male best friend.. which then crushed our friendship,
  • did NOTHING practically the entire summer...
  • had a straining ass part job as a server while working full time at the govt and going to school... :-/ Uber-UGH
  • was denied transfer to my new school of choice (because of some stupid math class) which required me to be at the BS community college for another year
  • had to pay for school... cause i could not get Financial Aid at that point in the year (my own fault)
  • gained more weight... gave all my clothes away....
  • bought a car... went broke...the list goes on lol

Im sure some of you can relate


all the above things im sure to you seem look like nothing more to you but whines.
Yet to me it was alot to deal with at the same time, not including some of the other misc things that have happened along the way that i did not mention. However, don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, since the majority of these experiences presented important life lessons. So with that being said ...moving on...
**Back to the Program**

Alot of these experiences, have and ashamedly said tore me down to a point where i was left confused, cluttered and dried up. I didn't feel like doing alot of shyt anymore. Felt as if my mind was in a locked up black prison cell with no light except for the gleaming light of my dreams and aspirations behind the iron bars of my depressing asylum.

I refuse to allow my mind to be trapped in that fuckery any longer... I've spent almost 2 years of my life in there. not anymore. This is not my make up. My mother didn't raise me like this nor did see raise me to be like this. So as of this month, I have made a promise to myself to do better for myself, accomplish more for my life and get back to my ambitious ways and get closer to GOD...

Cause i deserve it.

so technically tomorrow is the first day of my official turning over a new leaf... and im already failing because Im up writing this long ass essay at 2 in the gotdamn morning.... FAIL

so im out. I'll be back tomorrow to update on the rest
*since this post was clearly too long*....


I still have plenty of pics to post lol.


  1. aw brei if i was goin this like u, i would feel trapped in a box myself. but its life u know. but if u think about it, going through the hard times now will pay off at the end. you will be happier, appreciative, and look at things much different. cuz once when you get through school (the first step) find the perfect job for you and quit this government job, things will start to look better. for one, you will be happier because you're doing something you love. hardwork really do pay off. to me struggling to get where you're going and actually getting there is better than getting everything you want early on in life...basically living glamorous and all that. cause believe it or not, some of them high class families will fall. and from that the younger ones of the family wouldn't know what to do with themselves. (if they totally rely on the money-makers). they wouldn't really know how to value anything, find a job, etc.

    basically all i'm sayin is take this as a stepping stone and a life lesson to your future kids. personally living like this, i wouldn't have asked for anything more. AND its a story u can tell others, and get them inspired. :)

  2. corny but true: knowing is half the battle....

    so acknowledging the crap and being honest about your current state is HUGE...(and please don't ever feel the need to explain/disclaimer yourself luv...this is all just you...if someone doesn't like they can kick rocks)

    i can SO relate to have a shitty year...2007 was it for me...but making the conscious choice to from this day forward be better is all it takes...one small shift...not going for perfection Bee..we are going for progress...so stay focused on your goal yes, but embrace this journey you are about to embark on.

    you can do it...do a little each day to get to your goal and before you know it, you'll be there!

  3. Piph. thanks for your words.. my mother taught me that a long time ago... I actually love life's struggle, it gives me meaning, purpose and reason. There is no value unless you worked hard to get it or get there. im just posting in this post about my personal growth from a past state i was in mentally. .... and how i'm pursuing greater things in moving forward in my life. I was not depressed. I know the meaning of working hard. I have worked hard to get where i am at now. Its been a ride but thats not the point. Just speakin about my experiences, my mental growth and learning to accept it.

    Im very eager to see what this new journey will bring to me... I can say that Im very excited.

  4. well that's good :) lol i just wanted to put my piece in it that's all...u know whether it was the past or present. plus i'm ur sis, so of course i'm a say something like that :D lol

    btw...how to check and see if someone is following u??? i know i'm a lil slow on here, but i had to ask somebody lol

  5. i'm a leo... we can be helll... i've never had any social interactions will a male leoo... but i can only imagine!

  6. i know piph and it is very much appreciated... :-)

    @anti- Barbie
    leo females aren't as bad... actually LEO's period aren't bad..i have tons of Leo friends.... he was just one of those special breed LEO with dominant traits... he was a pain in my ass. hmph

  7. Girl...I feel ur frustration, stress...regret. Trust I do. I'm basically in the same boat as alot of the things you mentioned, except I'm desperately seeking a job, unsure of where I'll be living before school starts. I transferred, but in-state to save money I've already lost :-/ at a good for nothing college out of state....but enough of my problems...gettin me down all over.
    I'll pray for you as you pray for me ;-)

  8. Good luck on your new journey...I've been in that place too believe me. My advice would be to never underestimate the power of your mind. I too have been at this place...I have a few blogs about it [Broken,Blurry Vision, etc.]. But what is incredible is...happiness is a conscious choice. Life is everything you make it. I promise you that. No it won't always be easy to deal with but you decide what your attitude is. ONLY YOU can decide what your life is worth. Thank God...or whoever you acknowledge, for sparing your life and count your blessings. don't dwell on all that is wrong. People will come and go, shit will happen, but how you deal is optional.

    Ok i'll end there so I don't ramble. Hope my words helped and GOOD LUCK again!!

  9. ps-I'm gonna share a story with you. Recently I had a nervous break down. EVERYTHING was terrible....work...school...money...friends...everything. And on one particular night I was face down in my carpet CRYING...like sobbing and yelling crying all out. This lasted for a few hours then I start praying and venting in my journal. Out of that I had to wake up and realize what I just wrote you. the end lol

  10. boy do I know about loosing an best friend over something petty. We haven't spoken in over two years. Sometimes petty things, changes things....for good. and it sucks!

    You didn't need that disclaimer. you have a right feel the way you did. Collectively those events weight on on.

  11. aww thanks everyone for the empowering comments. They mean alot.

    gurl i will pray for you...

    omg everything u said, went through my mind as well when i realized what i was doing to myself... smh "happiness is a conscious choice" yes ma'am...yes ma'am

    losing someone you love like that hurts really bad... but you right it could have been for the better...