But I wanted to update my blog so bad for some reason.
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As of late I have been going through alot of ...... well ..........well alot of nothing, mix with a dab of Bullshyt.
it just makes me wanna cry, scream, throw shyt, break shyt, cuss everyone, neglect other goals, eat and sleep.
UGH
btw when i say nothing i don't mean "exactly nothing". I mean nothing in relation to "not doing the things that you set your self to do for yourself, whether it be short term or long term goals... "
I dont exactly know where this spell or mind frame came from. But i do know that it sort of just appeared around late 07', early 08' and preceded to get worst as 08 progressed... for the record 08 was one of the shittiest year i have experience so far in my dear life.
- I left my school "Penn State University" ($$$$$) to transfer to a BS of a community college around my way...... it sucked ass....
- picked up a full time job in the govt in a position that gives me no growth besides "work ethics"... & got treated like shyt, teased, harassed, drained and stressed the fuck out all while going to college (its "A LITTLE" better now)
- was in a shitty ass relationship with a lazy indignant ass LEO of a boyfriend. UGH broke up with his ass.......... on my birthday (might i add)
- lost a best friend for stupid reasons(friends for 15 years) smdh
- gained between 30-45lbs. double UGH
- had a fling with a male best friend.. which then crushed our friendship,
- did NOTHING practically the entire summer...
- had a straining ass part job as a server while working full time at the govt and going to school... :-/ Uber-UGH
- was denied transfer to my new school of choice (because of some stupid math class) which required me to be at the BS community college for another year
- had to pay for school... cause i could not get Financial Aid at that point in the year (my own fault)
- gained more weight... gave all my clothes away....
- bought a car... went broke...the list goes on lol
Im sure some of you can relate
**Pause**
DISCLAIMER:
all the above things im sure to you seem look like nothing more to you but whines.
Yet to me it was alot to deal with at the same time, not including some of the other misc things that have happened along the way that i did not mention. However, don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, since the majority of these experiences presented important life lessons. So with that being said ...moving on...
**Back to the Program**
Alot of these experiences, have and ashamedly said tore me down to a point where i was left confused, cluttered and dried up. I didn't feel like doing alot of shyt anymore. Felt as if my mind was in a locked up black prison cell with no light except for the gleaming light of my dreams and aspirations behind the iron bars of my depressing asylum.
I refuse to allow my mind to be trapped in that fuckery any longer... I've spent almost 2 years of my life in there. not anymore. This is not my make up. My mother didn't raise me like this nor did see raise me to be like this. So as of this month, I have made a promise to myself to do better for myself, accomplish more for my life and get back to my ambitious ways and get closer to GOD...
Cause i deserve it.
so technically tomorrow is the first day of my official turning over a new leaf... and im already failing because Im up writing this long ass essay at 2 in the gotdamn morning.... FAIL
lol
so im out. I'll be back tomorrow to update on the rest
*since this post was clearly too long*....
btw
I still have plenty of pics to post lol.
